Welcome to the world of online dating. It's an exciting concept, that just a few mouse clicks away you could find the perfect partner. Today I want to talk about one of the most important aspects of online dating, your profile pictures.
Your profile picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Raise your hand if you hoped you might be able to do all this without putting up a picture?
Oh no. What about a selfie taken on your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Tut, tut, tut.
Yes, you do need a photo. That is non-negotiable if you are serious about this. Nope, not negotiating. And yes, you will probably need to take a few photos just for your profile. But no, they cannot be selfies.
Psychological studies into online dating have demonstrated that people are cautious because of the lack of ways to verify the information presented. That's why everyone thinks everyone else is lying online. We like to be able to check a person's eye movements or body posture as they tell us things, so we can judge for ourselves whether we think they are telling the truth. Online, because there are far fewer cues, people read more meaning into the ones that remain.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
Don't panic. While bad photos can scream a lot of different things, just for you I've gone through the most common mistakes that are made online, and exactly what these types of photos say about you. Avoid them, and you will be doing well.
1. Pictures of Something Else
There are a number of people out there who include a picture of a sunset or a dog as their primary photograph. I can't decide if this is better or worse than not having a photo at all. You might be trying to suggest you like good scenery, but overall it does not come across well. Why don't you want people to see your face? There could be a number of reasons, but none of them are good, and people naturally assume the worst. Yes, you might want to show that you are a dog-lover, but this message is much more effective if you are also in the picture. Otherwise people think the message is that your dog is your more attractive side.
2. Putting Up A Picture With Multiple People In It
Using photos of you with a lot of other people can support your statement that you have great friends. However, it also has some negative connotations that I think you should be aware of. First, it says you have put no effort whatsoever into choosing photos for your profile, as you've just grabbed them off Facebook. Second, everyone will automatically assume you are the most ugly person in the photo. Sorry, but it's true.
3. You with Another Girl
Having a member of the opposite sex in your photo is not a great idea. You might think you are sending the message 'look, other hot people think I'm worth hanging out with', but that is not the message received, particularly by girls. When people are looking online, they are usually quite defensive and critical. Any photo of a member of the same sex around the same age (doesn't count if it is a baby or your grandma), is going to be judged very harshly. Consequently, you will be judged for liking such a person. Don't give people a chance to write you off because of their insecurities.
4. My Comic Ugly Shot
Please keep in mind that it will be assumed that your worst shot is what you actually look like most of the time. It also seems that you are hiding behind humor because you are insecure about your looks. This is a killer for online attraction ratings. Confidence is what you are going for. Funny and still amazingly attractive is the branding you want.
5. The Decapitated Shot
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. This Is Me... 10 Years Ago
If you had some super amazing achievement a few years ago, such as winning gold at the Olympics, sure put in an old photo. However, if it is just you standing around and you are trying to pass it off as how you generally look? This is bad. The majority of your photos need to be up to date, with the main photo being within the last few months. If you have a great photo from the past, why not try to recreate it, or even improve on it?
7. My Professional Glamor Shot
While I am advising you to get some photos taken just for the purpose of your dating profile, I don't recommend using professional glamor photos. First of all, these are notorious for not looking like reality. Second, it comes across as a bit egotistical, that you pay to have photos taken of yourself for no reason (silly, as it's an awful lot of fun and a great way to spend a day, having done it myself). Instead, you want natural appearing photos. (Though, I admit that this is more of a problem for girls than it is for boys.)
8. The Drunken Shot
I'm sorry, but no one is attractive when they are drunk, not even supermodels. This is similar to the previous note on comic ugly shots. There are much better ways to show that you like a good time.
9. Out of Focus Shots
Any photo where you are not the main focus or difficult to discern probably shouldn't be used. While you want to support your other attributes with photos, you also want to make sure each one clearly shows that you are an attractive human being, and all the other photos weren't just flukes. Unless you have more than four other photos clearly showing your face, I wouldn't waste the opportunity.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
Your profile picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Raise your hand if you hoped you might be able to do all this without putting up a picture?
Oh no. What about a selfie taken on your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Tut, tut, tut.
Yes, you do need a photo. That is non-negotiable if you are serious about this. Nope, not negotiating. And yes, you will probably need to take a few photos just for your profile. But no, they cannot be selfies.
Psychological studies into online dating have demonstrated that people are cautious because of the lack of ways to verify the information presented. That's why everyone thinks everyone else is lying online. We like to be able to check a person's eye movements or body posture as they tell us things, so we can judge for ourselves whether we think they are telling the truth. Online, because there are far fewer cues, people read more meaning into the ones that remain.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
Don't panic. While bad photos can scream a lot of different things, just for you I've gone through the most common mistakes that are made online, and exactly what these types of photos say about you. Avoid them, and you will be doing well.
1. Pictures of Something Else
There are a number of people out there who include a picture of a sunset or a dog as their primary photograph. I can't decide if this is better or worse than not having a photo at all. You might be trying to suggest you like good scenery, but overall it does not come across well. Why don't you want people to see your face? There could be a number of reasons, but none of them are good, and people naturally assume the worst. Yes, you might want to show that you are a dog-lover, but this message is much more effective if you are also in the picture. Otherwise people think the message is that your dog is your more attractive side.
2. Putting Up A Picture With Multiple People In It
Using photos of you with a lot of other people can support your statement that you have great friends. However, it also has some negative connotations that I think you should be aware of. First, it says you have put no effort whatsoever into choosing photos for your profile, as you've just grabbed them off Facebook. Second, everyone will automatically assume you are the most ugly person in the photo. Sorry, but it's true.
3. You with Another Girl
Having a member of the opposite sex in your photo is not a great idea. You might think you are sending the message 'look, other hot people think I'm worth hanging out with', but that is not the message received, particularly by girls. When people are looking online, they are usually quite defensive and critical. Any photo of a member of the same sex around the same age (doesn't count if it is a baby or your grandma), is going to be judged very harshly. Consequently, you will be judged for liking such a person. Don't give people a chance to write you off because of their insecurities.
4. My Comic Ugly Shot
Please keep in mind that it will be assumed that your worst shot is what you actually look like most of the time. It also seems that you are hiding behind humor because you are insecure about your looks. This is a killer for online attraction ratings. Confidence is what you are going for. Funny and still amazingly attractive is the branding you want.
5. The Decapitated Shot
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. This Is Me... 10 Years Ago
If you had some super amazing achievement a few years ago, such as winning gold at the Olympics, sure put in an old photo. However, if it is just you standing around and you are trying to pass it off as how you generally look? This is bad. The majority of your photos need to be up to date, with the main photo being within the last few months. If you have a great photo from the past, why not try to recreate it, or even improve on it?
7. My Professional Glamor Shot
While I am advising you to get some photos taken just for the purpose of your dating profile, I don't recommend using professional glamor photos. First of all, these are notorious for not looking like reality. Second, it comes across as a bit egotistical, that you pay to have photos taken of yourself for no reason (silly, as it's an awful lot of fun and a great way to spend a day, having done it myself). Instead, you want natural appearing photos. (Though, I admit that this is more of a problem for girls than it is for boys.)
8. The Drunken Shot
I'm sorry, but no one is attractive when they are drunk, not even supermodels. This is similar to the previous note on comic ugly shots. There are much better ways to show that you like a good time.
9. Out of Focus Shots
Any photo where you are not the main focus or difficult to discern probably shouldn't be used. While you want to support your other attributes with photos, you also want to make sure each one clearly shows that you are an attractive human being, and all the other photos weren't just flukes. Unless you have more than four other photos clearly showing your face, I wouldn't waste the opportunity.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
About the Author:
This has been adapted from Buffy Greentree's new book The Nice Guy's Guide To Online Dating Profiles, available on Amazon and Buffy's website, www.100firstdrafts.com.
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